9:03 PM October 11, 2023
T and his parents are in Hokkaido for the night. They left on the Shinkansen (bullet train) early Tuesday morning, while T left early this morning. They are to return late Thursday. I am relieved to have the apartment to myself but restless about the night.
I've been sick again - pretty sure it's just a cold—two negative COVID tests. A few weeks ago, the travel agency emailed that illnesses have been rampant in Tokyo. COVID, flu, colds, and other viruses. Today hasn't been that bad except for a lingering fatigue and a tickle in my throat. My sleep schedule, or lack thereof, has been more off than usual. The past week or so, T and I tried to spend time together watching Only Murders in the Building after his parents retired to bed.
For the past hour, I've been in the tub singing. This has not been some of my best bathroom sessions, with my voice a tad lower and cracking from sick and swollen vocal cords. I started this practice to cheer myself up when we arrived in Tokyo. I would be alone in a hotel room. The sound of my voice singing familiar songs made me happier, calmer, and a bit distracted. My favorite tonight was "Too Good at Goodbyes" by Sam Smith.
I know you're thinkin' I'm heartless
I know you're thinkin' I'm cold
I'm just protectin' my innocence
I'm just protectin' my soul
I watched the lights extinguish floor by floor in a building under construction. Each level's illumination disappears in a cascade. I imagined the last worker flipping each of the switches one by one. Thump. Thump. Thump.
The cars on the highway zoom by as I splash my feet aimlessly. Adele's "Hello" echoing on the speaker. I watch the dinner cruise boats ease along the water until they disappear behind the skyline. Noah Cyrus's "July" is next. There's a whole world that doesn't notice me. There's a whole world that I don't understand.
I have trouble going to bed at a decent hour when he's gone. I stay awake until I suddenly have passed out. It's not an issue of safety. I feel safer here than I do in our home in Indiana. I tell myself there's less crime in Japan; the building has security measures preventing random people from wandering in. But I'm alone with my thoughts, and as you may tell, they're not always kind.
